True Friendship
There are three kinds of friends, according to Aristotle, and though only one of them is what he would call "true friendship," all three are still necessary in this life.
I'll describe the three kinds, talk about our need for all three, and give some next steps for having more friends of all kinds.
The three kinds of friendship divide over what we value about the other person. There are useful friendships, pleasant friendships, and virtuous friendships.
The useful friendships are those where we value the usefulness of the other man. Whether this be a business partner, a coworker, or a neighbor who has a ladder and a truck I can borrow at will, I value what I get out of this relationship. These are not bad relationships. In fact, the economy depends on us being able to form these kinds of friendships. However, they only last as long as both parties find each other useful. If I change businesses, I won't interact with that partner anymore; if I change jobs, I won't get lunch with that coworker anymore; if my neighbor sold his truck and broke his ladder, I wouldn't pop by from time to time. When we aren't useful or they aren't useful, we drift apart.
The pleasant friendships are those where we value the pleasure we receive by being with the other man. Whether it's because we are doing enjoyable activities or because we find the other person entertaining in and of themselves, we stay in these relationships for the pleasure. My wife often talks about her ski-buddies-- for all the months that there is snow on the slopes, they get together often and enjoy each others' company. When the snow melts, they part ways. There isn't necessarily anything mean-spirited or wrong about this; it's just a friendship founded on pleasure. We should do pleasurable things from time to time, and we should find people with whom we can do them.
The third kind of friendship is a virtuous friendship. This is where we value the character of the other person; we're drawn by their goodness, and they, in turn, are drawn by ours. These are the friendships the book of Sirach talks about in the sixth chapter, that stand the tests of tragedy and woe. When we cease being useful or pleasant company, a virtuous friend stays by our side. A virtuous friend will also work so that we might become better men, just as we would work for their betterment. It also requires that both the friend and myself be virtuous for this kind of friendship to work, which is a high bar...
We need friends. No man is an island, yet we live in this paradoxical world where we are more dependent on faceless systems-- our utilities, groceries, deliveries, entertainment, etc.-- than at any other time in history, yet we're made to feel weak if we ever dare to ask anything from anyone.
We're lonelier than we've ever been, our families are smaller and more broken than they've ever been, and our work often feels less important than seems right.
Many of us, if we're honest, feel pretty useless sometimes. We may also feel like we're unpleasant--that no one would want to spend time with us. And likely, we feel like we're not the men of heroic virtue we'd like to be.
The answer to at least a chunk of thse problems is hopefully present every time you come to Cor. We need men in our lives to say the three most complimentary things we could possibly hear:
Third-most complimentary thing: "You are useful"
probably expressed more like, "Could you help me with this?"Second-most complimentary thing: "You are pleasant"
probably expressed more like, "Want to get a drink or a coffee with me this week?"Most complimentary thing: "You are good"
probably expressed more like, "I think I'm better when I'm with you."
The more we say things like these, and the more we hear them, the stronger our relationships will become.
One quick note-- look at all three kinds of friendship (the useful, the pleasant, and the virtuous)-- what kind of friendship do you have with God? Is He just someone useful to you? Someone you find pleasant from time to time? Or do you see that He is good, and you want to spend time with Him in good times and in bad, because He is good?
For the married men, same questions about your wife-- is she a useful friend, so that you're bothered when she isn't useful? Is she a pleasant friend, so that you're bothered when she's not as pleasant? Or is she a virtuous friend, and you're laying down your life to help her become the woman she's called to be, in good times and in bad?
